Saturday, May 16, 2009

Facing your Fears.

“What I feared most for myself at your age was not poverty,
but failure.” “So why do I talk about the benefits of failure?

Simply because failure meant a stripping away of
the inessential. I stopped pretending to myself that
I was anything other than what I was, and began to
direct all my energy into finishing the only work that
mattered to me. I was set free, because my greatest
fear had already been realized, and I was still alive,
and I still had a daughter whom I adored, and
I had an old typewriter and a big idea.”

J.K. Rowling

Seems it really does not matter who you or
for that matter who you think you are. Ouch!!
Anyone can become homeless and you are made
to either face yourself or find a way to escape the
pain. Its not nearly as painful after 11 months than
it was at the begining. I have learned to not discuss
something painful unless I am emotionally safe. I get
a greater sense of safety as time goes by. But I also
see a grieving process take place over time because
of my guarding my emotions which slows the process.

I get the poverty thing, actually learning that little
things add up and that I will somehow make it when
before I was really scared much of the time. I am
more afraid of letting you the reader in and seeing me
for who I am than being flat broke week after week.
Standing up for what I believe is important rather
than hoping you like me. Co-dependant to the core.
I can do something for you far easier than I can for
myself. The benefits of failure are real. Only
it's rather depressing while processing the feelings.

Then an Aha! moment arrives and the circuitous
route that brought me here begins to make sense.
Literally the only reason this is "Bad" is because I
tell myself that it is. The Aha moments wipe the
slate clean and allow me to know that I/we are
not alone. That there is a power greater than ______?
Me, thats for sure.

Spiritual growth can only be the purpose of all this.
Growth to just write . Express myself, see my words
in front of me. Own this experience as mine. Not a victim
but participant in the role God has given me. I Never promised
God I would go willingly as such. You dont get a written
invitation to this deal. Unless thats how you see eviction notices.

I like what Mrs.Rowling said .The guts to live your life
homeless has taken some time. Chasing the elusive hope
of housing when confronted with overwhelming reasons
you think it wont happen for you can be like a cat chasing
it's tail. Chasing down the details of your life
while you are homeless is like herding cats.
The Cats look at you like your crazy.

Thanks 4 now.

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